


Teasing the Paparazzi

by nightwalker



Series: The Engagement [3]
Category: Avengers (Comic), Marvel Adventures: Avengers
Genre: Engagement, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-31
Updated: 2011-08-31
Packaged: 2017-10-23 07:34:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightwalker/pseuds/nightwalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the morning after the night before and it's time for Steve and Tony to face the music.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Teasing the Paparazzi

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Polski available: [Drażniąc paparazzich](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1043592) by [janekburza (kasssumi)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kasssumi/pseuds/janekburza)



> The incident with Cerberus that Peter refers to happens in the Marvel Adventures team-up _Triple Threat_ , which is totally worth reading if you haven't already. There's no Cap, but Tony, Hulk and Spidey are adorkable throughout the whole thing.

Steve woke up with an armful of Tony, which was the best way to wake up.

He drifted for a moment, enjoying the lazy feeling of not having anywhere to be or any reason to get up. He tended to be an early riser, which often conflicted with his lover's complete and utter lack of regular sleeping habits – it wasn't unusual for Tony to stagger in to bed right as Steve was getting up for the day. But he couldn't convince himself to leave their bed and go jogging when he could feel Tony's breath, warm and soft against his throat, when he could feel Tony's heartbeat next to the coolness of the arc reactor pressed against his chest. Steve felt his cock stir and harden with every breath Tony took and he brushed a kiss against Tony's forehead, content to wait and let him sleep a little longer.

They didn't have nearly enough mornings like this.

Tony sighed and stirred and Steve pulled him a little closer. Tony was half-hard against him and that heat was only making Steve ache more. He bit back a groan when Tony stretched, and calloused fingers brushed against him beneath the sheet, curled gently around the length of him.

Tony blinked up at him, eyes hooded, still half asleep. "Morning."

Steve kissed those lips, loved the feel of Tony's goatee against his skin. "Morning," he replied, letting one hand skim down that muscled chest, over the arc reactor, lower, brushing his fingers against the crease between his thigh and groin. He watched Tony swallow, felt his heartbeat speed up. "God, I want you."

Tony licked his lips and his hand cupped Steve's hip. "I have a question."

"Ask me."

"If you're in front of me, who the hell is behind me?"

Steve reacted without thinking. He wrapped his arm around Tony and pulled his lover against his chest, turning until Tony was underneath him and Steve was on his knees, free arm coming up to block an attack. There was another body in the bed – how the hell he'd missed that, how the hell they'd even gotten in the _room_ -

Peter Parker was curled up on the edge of the bed, wearing the pants of the Spider-Man uniform and nothing else. Steve stared at him for a moment, trying to make some kind of sense of the situation.

"How did he even get in here without waking us?" Tony wondered from where he lay pinned beneath Steve. Then, "I just felt you up while Peter was in the bed with us. I feel like a dirty old man."

Peter woke with a start, possibly in reaction to his name. He propped himself up on one elbow, blinked at them with a decidedly confused look on his face and groaned. "Oh, geez. Get a room, guys." He flopped back down on the bed, face buried in Tony's pillow.

Steve looked down, realizing that he was straddling Tony's waist while both of them were completely naked, the sheets having been knocked away during his efforts to separate Tony from the intruder, and came to the mortifying conclusion that he was never going to be able to look Peter in the eyes again.

Tony reached over and slapped Peter on the shoulder. "We _did_ get a room. Where did you come from?"

Peter raised his head and stared at them groggily for a couple of seconds while Steve hastily yanked the sheets up to cover himself. "What? Where are-" His eyes flew open and he jerked backwards hard enough to knock himself right off the bed. " _Oh, my God._ "

"How much did you drink last night?" Steve asked pointedly.

"Not enough," Peter said, staggering to his feet. "Oh, my God. How long have I been here?"

"No idea," Tony said cheerfully, sliding his hands up and down Steve's thighs beneath the sheets. "Steve wore me out pretty thoroughly, I didn't even hear you come in."

"Tony," Steve and Peter said in identical tones of embarrassment.

"It's barely six in the morning," Tony said. "Go find your own bed. See if anyone interesting is in it. I have plans for this one and you're going to cramp Steve's style."

Peter clapped a hand over his eyes as he backed toward the door. "No details. I am begging you. I'm just gonna – I'll be – what's it gonna cost me to make sure no one hears about this?"

"Your firstborn," Tony said. He had obviously gotten over his surprise at seeing Peter and one hand was working its way closer to Steve's cock with every caress. It was incredibly distracting, but to make him stop Steve would have to let go of the sheets and he wasn't sure he was willing to do that. "And your word that you're going straight to bed to sleep it off."

"Done and done," Peter said. He slipped out the door, then stuck his head back in. "I'm really sorry!" he blurted out, then disappeared, the door slamming behind him.

Tony was laughing as he wrapped his arms around Steve. "I wonder how many of our other teammates woke up in interesting places this morning?"

Steve lowered his head for a kiss as he shifted his hips so he and Tony were pressed up against each other, heat against heat. "I don't want to talk about our teammates," he said, and he swallowed the sounds Tony made as he began to move.

* * *

 **Excerpt from Peter Parker's audio recordings, extraneous material:**

 **Peter:** You guys have been together a while now. Do you ever find it a challenge to keep your relationship passionate?  
 **Tony:** We role play a lot.  
 **Steve:** We do not.  
 **Tony:** Don't be shy, honey. It's perfectly normal. My favorite is one called "American Liberator and the Little French Farm Boy."  
 **Steve:** Don't tease him, he's still blushing from this morning.  
 **Tony:** And of course, there are the threesomes. Just this morning, we woke up with Spider-Man and let me tell you, he was _very_ happy to see me-  
 **Peter:** Oh my god.  
 **Steve:** I thought I said no threesomes.  
 **Tony:** You said I could have a threesome with Thor for my birthday.  
 **Steve:** At the rate you're going you won't get another birthday present for the rest of your life.  
 **Tony:** I didn't hear you complaining this morning.

* * *

"I love the sounds you make," Tony said some little while later. He was sprawled across Steve's chest, pressing kisses against whatever skin he could reach without moving. "It's like having me inside of you is the best thing that ever happened to you."

"Third best," Steve said. He was content to lie there for a while longer, boneless and sated, his breath still coming a little faster than normal, his muscles still thrumming with the aftershocks of orgasm.

Tony licked a nipple, a quick dart of tongue that made Steve shiver. "At least I made the top five."

Steve wanted to hold him but he was fairly certain his arms wouldn't move no matter what he did. And anyway, Tony was warm and heavy on top of him and showing no inclination to go anywhere. "You're the second, as well."

"Yeah?" Tony sounded amused, but to see the look on his face, Steve would have had to move his head. "My number two is the armor."

Steve was okay with that. He may have been Tony's teammate/partner/lover/future husband, but the armor was pretty awesome. "You can take just one piece of the armor off at a time, right?"

"I can. Why?"

"I was just thinking." He convinced his arms to move and wrapped them around Tony, pulling him up until Steve could reach his mouth in a lazy kiss. "I was thinking it might be nice to suck you while you're still in the armor," he finished against Tony's ear. Tony shuddered against him and Steve grinned through his furious blush and added, "You could make me come in my uniform."

Tony grabbed his face and kissed him hard and hungry. "Jesus," he mumbled against Steve's mouth. "If I could get it up again I'd fuck you right through this mattress."

There were parts of Steve's anatomy that found that threat extremely interesting, but none of them were his cock. It was possible Tony had fucked him into early impotence. "Gimme a few hours," he said instead, carding his fingers through Tony's hair. "And I'll take you up on th-"

He broke off at the knock on their bedroom door and sighed. "Well, so much for sleeping in, I guess."

Tony pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, his goatee scraping gently against Steve's cheek. "We weren't getting a lot of sleeping done, anyway."

The knock came again, then the doors opened – they really needed to pay more attention to locking those, apparently – and Pepper Potts marched into the room in a dark eggplant-colored business suit and impressively pointy high heels. Steve grabbed for the sheets just to make sure they were both still decently covered – although the position they were in probably left very little to the imagination – and Tony used Steve's chest as a brace to push himself up on his forearms. "Pep!"

"Don't 'Pep' me," she scolded him as she marched past the bed and flung open the curtains on the far side of the room. Steve turned his head in time to avoid catching the sun in his eyes; Tony wasn't so lucky and buried his face against Steve's throat with a curse. "You turned your phone off."

"I did not," Tony protested, the words muffled against Steve's skin. "I just have no idea where I put it last night."

Pepper sighed and crossed her arms. "Mr. Stark. You have a meeting with the vice-president of Toriyama Express at two-thirty to discuss the new assembly-line-"

"Reschedule," Tony ordered. He hadn't raised his head and was sucking on the skin behind Steve's ear. Steve nudged him with his shoulder but Tony didn't seem particularly inclined to stop. "Their bid was a joke anyway. They can have a meeting when they're ready to play with the big boys."

Pepper didn't bother to do anything on her tablet, which meant she'd already anticipated that decision and dealt with it. Steve thought she probably had the same Tony-anticipating mutant power as Jarvis. "There's the conference call with the regional vice-presidents at four."

"I never sit in on that," Tony objected. "If the regional vice-presidents can't handle their own conference calls, then maybe they need to stop getting paid the big bucks. Tell them to have the minutes and summary emailed to me, along with an action plan to increase profits three percent by the end of the quarter, before they go home for the day. Next." He dragged his teeth across Steve's shoulder, then licked his way back to his throat. The soft scrape of his beard on the wet, sensitive skin was ticklish and Steve couldn't help but squirm.

Pepper raised an eyebrow at him but otherwise didn't react. This wasn't the first time she'd walked in on them in some form of post- or pre-coital embrace. "The board of directors is asking for a formal response to last night's rumor explosion. Honestly, Tony. Twitter?"

"They'll have their formal response by the end of the business day," Tony sighed. He abandoned Steve's neck so he could look at Pepper. "We'll need to schedule a press conference for tomorrow morning."

"Today would be better," Pepper said. She tapped at her tablet and flicked her fingers, sending a hologram of a calendar into the air. It was full to bursting with names, places and times. "Your morning is clear. I can put out word now and have every reputable news source outside the Avengers HQ by noon. It'll get out on all the evening editions and the gossip mags won't get a headstart."

"Tonight, then," Tony compromised. "Early this evening. That'll give me time to brief the board and get word privately to anyone important enough to hear about it in person."

"That's rich, Tony. I had to hear it from-" James Rhodes stalked through the door of their bedroom, took one look at the tableau on the bed, and slapped a hand over his eyes. "Pepper! You could have warned me!"

"You want to barge into my bedroom early in the morning on the day after I get engaged, you can deal with the show," Tony snapped. "Geez, Rhodey, learn to knock."

"Pepper didn't knock!"

"Pepper has seen far, far worse," Tony said.

"Pepper gets a nice bonus every time she sees her boss naked," Pepper added dryly. "I have to be careful, though, because if I see Steve naked at the same time, Tony gets jealous and docks my pay."

"I do not!" Tony said. He frowned at Steve, then shrugged. "Maybe that one time, but we were still kind of new at this. I might have overreacted."

"Do I get a bonus?" Rhodey asked. He had uncovered his eyes but was staring firmly at the ceiling.

"No," Tony said. "You get to throw me a bachelor party."

"Man, I am all over that." Rhodey apparently forgot he was supposed to be scandalized and gave Tony a brilliant grin. "I've already called the _Stark Las Vegas_ and made sure the penthouse is going to be empty."

"What's the _Stark Las Vegas_?" Steve asked, relieved to have some conversation to latch onto that didn't involve his nakedness or what had preceded it.

Tony grinned down at him. "The most luxurious, expensive – and elite – hotel-casino in Vegas. Have I never taken you guys? We'll fix that."

Las Vegas was not on the short list of places Steve wanted to see before he died – it wasn't even on the long list. "We still haven't set a date."

"About that," Pepper said. She tapped the tablet and the calendar hologram flared, expanded, and flipped so it was facing the bed. "You can get married whenever you want of course, but the International Science Expo is the last week of July, the same week the bill goes into effect. Also, you have the merger conference on August 23rd. So you can get married whenever you want, but if you want more than two days off in a row to enjoy your honeymoon, you need to get married on either the first or second weekend of August." She raised an eyebrow at him pointedly, her finger poised over the tablet.

"I promised Steve he could set the date," Tony objected.

"August is fine," Steve said. "I know what your schedule is like. If Pepper says that's the best time, that's the best time."

"We don't have to do this in August," Tony offered. "We can pick another time, if you'd rather."

"No we can't," Steve said. He ran his hands over Tony's back and smiled. "We have to make this official before some killjoy decides to challenge the decision, remember?"

"That's so sweet," Rhodey said. "Could you guys put your pants on now?"

Pepper tapped her tablet and most of the month of August glowed bright red before all the appointments disappeared. "I've cleared your schedule from August first until the day before the merger. Promise me you'll be on time."

"To the wedding or the merger conference?" Tony asked.

"Both," Pepper and Steve said in unison.

Tony pouted. "It's like having two wives."

"You should be so lucky," Pepper said. "Behave yourself for a month and we'll make this official before Steve comes to his sense."

Tony laughed and rolled off Steve, taking most of the sheets with him and forcing Steve to scramble to preserve his dignity for the third time that morning. "Don't give him ideas, Pepper."

Steve was having a lot of ideas, but none of them involved coming to his senses, apparently. "If that's all settled, could we clear the room so I can get dressed? There are a few errands I need to run today."

"You both have a lunch appointment," Pepper said.

"Both?" Steve said at the same time Tony said, "With who?"

"Peter Parker."

Tony blinked at her. "Peter Parker is my roommate. He lives two doors down from here. Why did he feel the need to schedule a lunch appointment with my PA instead of wandering down here around lunchtime and asking if I wanted a burger?"

"If I had to guess," Pepper said as she tucked her tablet away and turned to the door, shepherding Rhodey ahead of her, "it's because he's seen how good you are at blowing off other reporters."

"Other reporters?" Tony repeated. "Peter's interviewing us?"

"Apparently," Pepper said. "He set the appointment up via e-mail at three this morning."

"Interviewing us about what?" Steve asked.

"He said you promised him an exclusive," Pepper said. She shoved Rhodey out the door. "And Tony? Steve? Congratulations." She offered them both a brilliant smile before vanishing after Rhodey and pulling the door firmly closed behind her.

* * *

 **Excerpt from Peter Parker's audio recordings, extraneous material:**

 **Peter:** Do you guys have any regrets?  
 **Steve:** About Tony? About us? Never.  
 **Tony:** I regret not getting sober sooner.  
 **Peter:** You've been pretty open about your struggle with alcoholism over the years, Tony. What specifically makes you wish you'd made the decision to start that battle sooner?  
 **Tony:** Alcohol wrecks your stamina – and don't even talk to me about recovery time. I've had sex three times in the last ten hours. I never could have done that while I was drinking. When I think of all the orgasms I've wasted over the years, it's depressing. Thank god I sobered up before Steve and I got together or I'd never forgive myself.  
 **Steve:** I'm actually pretty flattered right now.  
 **Peter:** Man, I am so putting that in the article.

* * *

The main rooms of Avengers headquarters were still in varying shades of 'completely wrecked'. Steve stepped over the sprawled and snoring body of Johnny Storm and nodded a greeting to Ben Grimm who was sitting against the wall and holding his head. "Where's everyone else?" he asked, ignoring the way Grimm flinched at the sound of his voice.

"Parker and Hawkeye fucked off around three," Grimm finally said, his voice even lower and gravellier than normal. "Pym and the ladies were around just a little while ago. I don't know about Thor."

"Logan?" Steve asked, remembering that the last time he'd seen Wolverine, the mutant had been helping himself to copious amounts of Asgardian brew.

Grimm jerked a finger toward the couch, which had been tipped over backwards at some point in the night. Steve would wonder how he'd managed to sleep through all this, but he'd slept through Peter crawling into bed with them, after all. He shot Tony a glance and they both peered around the edge of the cough to find Wolverine, spread out on his back, arms spread out like he'd hit the ground hard and fallen asleep right then and there.

"So there's something his healing factor _can't_ keep up with," Tony said. "Mental note to self: Stock up on Asgardian alcohol."

Steve eyed Logan's still form somewhat suspiciously. "He is breathing, right? He can't really die of alcohol poisoning, can he?"

Tony and Grimm both frowned in the couch's general direction. "Well," Tony said, "I'm not poking a hungover Wolverine. Not without a really long stick, anyway." Grimm grunted in what was probably agreement.

Which left Steve to lean over the couch and make sure Logan was still breathing, which he was. He didn't risk getting too close, having no desire to get stabbed to death that morning.

"Should we do something about Johnny?" Tony asked.

Grimm waved a hand. "Leave 'im. I'll get him up in a minute."

Tony shrugged. "You know where the guest quarters are. Make yourselves comfortable. Do your teammates know where you are?"

"Reed did," Ben said. "If Sue doesn’t already, I'd be surprised. Go away. You're too loud."

The kitchen was in slightly better shape, but that was probably because Jarvis was awake. "Did you get any sleep at all?" Tony asked and Jarvis favored him with a fond smile.

"I took my leave of the celebration shortly after you did," Jarvis said. "Now, waffles or eggs?"

Tony made arrangements for a cleaning crew to come in for the day and sent out a warning to their teammates with secret identities and/or reputations to protect. Jarvis made eggs and bacon. Steve sipped his orange juice and watched Tony with a smile.

Sooner or later the buzz would wear off and the stupidly happy look would fade and they'd be the same Tony and Steve they had been the day before yesterday. And that wasn't a bad thing – the Steve and Tony they'd been the day before yesterday had been damned good. But the buzz was worth enjoying while he could.

Although there was a very real risk of them dying of dehydration if they kept up like last night and this morning.

Peter stumbled in a few minutes later, fully dressed and looking only slightly the worse for wear. He took one look at the two of them and blushed bright red, but he sat down at the kitchen table across from them, set his voice recorder down, and said, "One smart remark, Tony, and I'll tell Cap all about Cerberus and his favorite chew toy." He leaned across the table. "I still have the video. Do we have a deal?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Tony said, and Steve made a mental note to get the whole story out of Peter later.

"Who do we need to call before this hits the news?" Steve asked. "The Fantastic Four already know, and I'll contact Bucky and Sam. We should definitely tell Jessica Drew, Natasha, Tigra, Luke and Nova in person. And Bruce, if we can get him away from whatever project he's working on long enough to answer the phone."

"Tigra's gonna be sad," Peter said. "She's had a crush on you since before she joined the team. Now her fantasies of getting you to cuddle her are going to be crushed."

"Which one of us?" Steve asked, a little surprised. He hadn't noticed Tigra showing any particular interest in either of them, but he also hadn't known Tony was in love with him at first and apparently that had been common knowledge.

"Either," Peter said. "Both. She thinks you're cute together and then she goes all giggly and wonders about your relationship. I think she wants to date you as a set."

"I'm not sure a threesome with Tigra is in the cards for us," Tony said thoughtfully as Jarvis set heaping plates of scrambled eggs, bacon, toast and sliced oranges down in front of them. "First of all, Thor has first dibs, and anyway, she's kind of… impressionable. I'd feel like I was corrupting a minor."

"As bad as when you felt me up while Spider-Man was cuddling you this morning?" Steve asked. He could feel his face turning bright red, but he kept his expression as deadpan as he could and was rewarded with Tony's beaming smile and Peter's stricken stare.

"You both suck," Peter said firmly and reached over to turn on the recorder. "All right. So I'm just going to ask you guys some questions about your relationship, your wedding plans, maybe get a cute little romantic anecdote or two to spice things up. I won't print anything you ask me not too, and no, Tony, I will not print that your dick is magical and you can go for hours at a time. Any terms or conditions before we start?"

"I think Peter knows me too well," Tony said mournfully as he offered Steve a piece of his bacon.

Peter favored them both with a roll of his eyes. "All right, let's get the easy stuff out of the way. Date?"

"Second weekend in August."

"Location?"

Steve raised an eyebrow at Tony, who shrugged and swallowed a gulp of coffee before answering. "Undecided. We'll have the wedding planner looking at locations sometime this week."

"Guest list?"

"Exclusive, yet numerous," Tony said. "And yes, you and MJ and Aunt May are all invited."

"Damn straight," Peter said. "Can you not invite J. Jonah Jameson? Just in case you were considering it? It'll piss him off so hard if lowly Peter gets an invite to the wedding of the century and he doesn't."

"I wasn't planning on inviting him anyway," Tony said.

"He basically hates all of us," Steve said. "I doubt he'd want to come even if we did invite him. He'd have to sit surrounded by mutants and post-humans of all sorts and his bigoted little mind would explode."

Peter snickered into his hand before covering it up with a fake cough. "Right. How about designers? Who will you guys be wearing?"

"I was thinking I'd wear my uniform," Steve said and Tony frowned at him so fiercely he knew it was the wrong thing to say.

* * *

 **Excerpt from Wedding of the Century, by Peter Parker, appearing in the June 26th issue of the Daily Bugle:**

 **Peter:** Let's talk fashion. Who will be designing your suits for the wedding?  
 **Tony:** A very dear friend, Jan Van Dyne of Van Dyne Fashions, has graciously offered to design and hand-sew our tuxedos for the wedding. She's a brilliant designer, so I can't wait to see what she comes up with.  
 **Peter:** I would have thought that, as a soldier, you might want to wear your dress uniform, Steve. Isn't that a tradition in the Army?  
 **Steve:** I'm pretty sure the military doesn't mind.  
 **Tony:** It occurs to me somewhat belatedly that we just broke a whole lot of DADT here.  
 **Steve:** I'm technically retired, so the worst they can do is cut off my pension.  
 **Tony:** Good thing you're marrying a billionaire, then.

* * *

"If you're wearing your uniform, then I don't see why I can't wear my uniform," Tony insisted mulishly.

Steve frowned at him. "Tony, it's not the same thing at all."

"Why not. Explain it to me."

"Well for starters, I'm not marrying Iron Man."

"I'm not marrying Captain America," Tony rebutted. "And yet you want to walk down the aisle in bright blue leather and scale mail."

"Not my costume," Steve said. "My uniform. My dress uniform."

"Your army dress uniform."

"I'm a soldier, Tony," Steve explained. "It's tradition. When a soldier gets married he doesn't wear a tux, he wears his dress uniform."

Tony gave him a narrow-eyed look. "If you're thinking I'm going to be some kind of army wife or something-"

"What are you two arguing about?"

They looked up to see Jan standing in the doorway, dressed in an over-sized man's dress shirt that was almost certainly Hank's, bright purple fuzzy slippers, and not much else. She had several bolts of cloth hanging over one arm, and was holding onto the end of a tape measure, the rest of which was draped around Hank's neck like a leash. Hank himself was burdened with Jan's sewing basket, several more bolts of cloth, and a pin cushion shaped like a pineapple which he held between his teeth. He had a look on his face that said he had no idea how any of these things had come to pass.

"Steve wants Tony to be a traditional military wife," Peter said, to which Hank snorted.

"No I don't," Steve objected, well aware of the glares he was receiving from Tony and Jan both. "I want Tony to be Tony. The only thing we're arguing about is whether or not I'm going to wear my uniform for the wedding. Which I don't understand why everyone is making such a big deal over," he added.

"If Steve wears his uniform, I wear the armor," Tony threatened.

"You will not!" Jan – who was definitely still drunk – stamped one of her feet. "I have been awake _all night_ designing the perfect tux for you, Tony Stark! You will walk down the aisle in a hand-sewn Janet Van Dyne original or so help me I will claw your eyes out!"

Tony regarded her with the same look he occasionally gave super-villains, rampaging Hulks and self-proclaimed time travelers from the future. "So, what you're saying is that I should call Armani back?"

"I'm still wearing my uniform," Steve said, ignoring the way Hank was shaking his head at him. "I'm a soldier. It's tradition to wear our dress uniforms."

"You haven't been a soldier since nineteen forty-five," Tony said.

"Your dress uniform?" Jan echoed. "The dress uniform that's been in storage for seventy years? Have you had it dry cleaned or ironed since you woke up? Have you even looked at it?"

"I-no?"

"So, what you're saying," Jan said in a dangerous tone, "is that you'd rather wear a moth-eaten, half-rotten old suit that probably doesn't fit you anymore and which is at least two or three styles out of date since even the _Army_ adjusts for fashion advances over the course of a century instead of the elegant, beautiful, personalized tuxedo I have been up _all night_ designing just for you?"

Steve opened his mouth to say something, but he wasn't sure what because Jan glared at him. "I will _claw your eyes out,_ Steve Rogers. See if I won't."

* * *

 **Excerpt from Peter Parker's audio recordings, extraneous material:**

 **Peter:** Are there any Avengers you _haven't_ dated?  
 **Tony:** Luke Cage and Jessica Jones. And the Hulk, though Bruce and I had awkward coffee in college once.  
 **Peter:** And Spider-Man.  
 **Tony:** Threesomes count.  
 **Peter:** There was no threesome!  
 **Steve:** There was never any real chance that this was going to be a serious interview, was there?

* * *

They settled on a compromise wherein Steve wore Jan's hand-designed tux and Jan didn't set his rooms on fire to make sure the old uniform was destroyed. Taking this victory as a sign that her work was done, Jan marched back out of the room, tugging Hank after her. Steve was kind of worried that Jan had had way too much to drink, but Tony didn't seem to think so.

"Jan threatens to claw my eyes out every time I do something she doesn't like." Tony was stirring a thick spoonful of agave syrup into his third cup of coffee and eying the last orange wedge on Steve's plate wistfully. "It's not the only reason we never dated, but it's definitely on the list."

"What are the other reasons?" Peter asked.

Tony leaned back in his chair and started ticking reasons off on his fingers. "Well, I was kind of a playboy from day one. Her mother would have had a heart attack, killed me and disowned Jan. I was in college when she was in high school, so we didn't see each other much. We were always in committed relationships with other people when the other one was free. Also, she occasionally threatens to claw my eyes out, which even I don't consider a turn on. The last time was a charity dinner that her mother set up and Hank had managed to stand her up. Jan informed me that if I didn't get suited up and show up to be her date in the next thirty minutes she would do me lasting physical damage. Never mind the fact that I was not only dating Steve at the time, but also being held prisoner by Doctor Doom. Our Jan is a woman who gets what she wants."

"Didn't she end up taking the Quinjet to Latveria and rescuing you in an evening gown?" Peter tapped his pen against his bottom lip. "I think I heard part of this story before."

"Well, it wasn't really an evening gown by the time we were through," Tony said. "More of an extremely expensive collection of strategically placed scraps. But yes. Why she went to all that trouble instead of just smacking Hank upside the head and reminding him of their date, I'll never know."

"See this?" Peter said. "Stuff like this is why I hate taking vacations. When I'm around it's all horrible almost death and world-ending apocalypses, but Jan kicking Doom's butt in evening wear only happens when I'm not looking."

"I'd be more sympathetic except that I know for a fact you were present for the thing with the pig," Tony said.

"Hulk loved that pig," Peter said with a distinct air of nostalgia. "And speaking of love-"

"Awesome segue," Tony said. "I can see why you're a reporter with a turn of phrase like that."

"-speaking of love," Peter said firmly, "let's talk about your exes."

Steve propped his chin on one hand. "Since this is going to take a few hours, can I be excused? I have errands to run."

"No," Tony and Peter said simultaneously and Steve sighed and slumped in the chair.

"Go on," he said, waving a hand in Tony's direction. "I'll just be over here, getting a complex."

Peter snorted. "Whatever. You knew he was a man-whore when you started dating him."

Tony smiled at Steve, teasing, but affectionate and Steve couldn't help but smile back. "He's not wrong."

"You're not a man-whore," Steve said firmly. "You're just-"

"Horny?" Peter supplied.

"Desirable," Steve finished, shooting Peter a quelling look.

"I beat them off with a stick," Tony agreed. He scooted his chair closer to Steve and leaned until he could rest against Steve's side. "All right. Shoot."

* * *

 **Excerpt from Wedding of the Century, by Peter Parker, appearing in the June 26th issue of the Daily Bugle:**

 **Peter:** Tony, you've been engaged before, correct?  
 **Tony:** Once, yes. Ms. Rumiko Fujikawa. A delightful woman. We just weren't right for each other.  
 **Peter:** Do you think, having been engaged once before affects how you look at this new engagement?  
 **Tony:** I suppose it does. It's really not the same at all. Rumiko and I both had too many doubts going in, about ourselves, about each other, about our relationship. Too many secrets, as well, especially on my end. That kills a relationship faster than anything else could.  
 **Peter:** How has that affected your current relationship?  
 **Tony:** We don't lie to each other. We don't keep secrets – not important ones anyway. I think what killed me and Rumiko more than anything else is that we just took each other for granted. I'll spend every day making sure I never repeat that mistake.

* * *

Peter tapped his pen against the notebook – unnecessarily, since he was obviously recording this, but Tony suspected it was for show. "So seriously, Steve, how do you feel about your fiancé's rather extensive romantic background?"

Steve shrugged a little, as much as he could with Tony's weight resting against his shoulder. "Grateful, mostly."

"Grateful?" Peter blinked at him.

Steve could feel himself blushing a little. Again. He really needed to stop that. "Tony has a wide range of expertise and we'll just leave it at that."

"You're talking about the thing I do when I get you on your back and-"

Peter made a strangled sound and flapped both hands at them frantically. "Oh, God. Tony. Shut up."

"I'm very flexible."

"No details!"

"You should ask Spider-Man about it. He almost got to see it this morning."

"You suck."

Steve buried his face in Tony's hair to hide his grin, could feel Tony shaking with repressed laughter against him. "I do that, too," Tony said and Steve couldn't help himself anymore. He burst out laughing as Peter pressed both hands over his eyes and mimed clawing them out.

"I can never un-see that," Peter said mournfully.

"Un-see what?" James Rhodes asked. He paused in the doorway.

"Tony sucks," Peter said. Then his eyes went wide again and he dropped his head to the table.

"I knew that," Rhodes said, waving away Peter's trauma as an afterthought. "Tony, we have a problem."

"What's wrong?" Tony was still loose-limbed and relaxed against him, but Steve couldn't help but tense up slightly, anticipating anything from a super-villain attack to Logan's recent passing from alcohol poisoning.

"Thor," Rhodes said with narrowed eyes and a dark tone to his voice, "seems to be under the impression that _he_ is your best man."

"I might have told him that," Tony said with wide-eyed innocence. "I'm actually pretty sure I told him that."

"Tony," Rhodey said in a patient voice. "I have been your best friend for twenty years, minus those times we hated each other and not counting Steve. I wandered around a war-torn desert for three months, looking for your shrapnel-ridden ass. I've test-flown deathtraps, distracted reporters, threatened government officials and on one memorable occasion stole a hooker's bra because we thought she had a hidden camera stuffed in there-"

"I demand that story," Peter said.

"I think I do to," Steve said, poking a finger into Tony's ribs.

" _I have lied to Pepper for you_ ," Rhodey finished, raising his voice to be heard over them. "And you let me hear the biggest news of your life from Twitter, you asshole. Am I your best man or not?"

"Rhodey," Tony said earnestly. "Thor has access to _Asgardian booze_. This is the stuff gods drink when they want to get wasted."

"You're a recovering alcoholic!"

"Yes but you aren't." Tony fixed Rhodey with a knowing look. "Right?"

Rhodey glared at him, arms crossed over his chest. "He can be _co_ -best man. But I'm still in charge of the bachelor party."

"That sounds fair." Tony reached for his coffee. "Since Thor gets to witness the consummation."

"No witnesses," Steve said.

"I don't want to know," Rhodey said. "And I mean that, literally. Don't tell me or this will be one of those sad times when we aren't friends because I hate you."

"You know, I'm trying to finish a serious interview with a respected member of the press."

The look Rhodey gave Peter was skeptical at best. "Based on the conversation you were having when I walked in, he better be planning to sell it to _Out_."

" _Out_ has tasteful and informative articles about gay lifestyles and civil rights," Peter said with an air of resignation. "These two aren't giving me anything I can use for the _Bugle,_ let alone a respectable publication."

Tony glared at both of them over the rim of his coffee cup. "Rhodey, go away. You and Thor can settle this between yourselves, right? Arm-wrestle for it or something. I don't care."

* * *

 **Excerpt from Wedding of the Century, by Peter Parker, appearing in the June 26th issue of the Daily Bugle:**

 **Peter:** Tony, I understand you'll be having two best men stand up for you?  
 **Tony:** My old friend James Rhodes will be there, as well as my teammate Thor. They're two of the best men I know, and two of my oldest friends. I wouldn't dream of doing this without them.  
 **Peter:** How about you, Steve?  
 **Steve:** My old friend and army buddy, James Barnes has agreed to stand up for me.

* * *

Tony twisted in his seat to look up at Steve's face. "You already asked him?"

"Last night," Steve said. "I called him almost as soon as you said yes."

"See, Tony?" Rhodes said. "You suck."

"Go away," he told Rhodes, then glared up at Steve. "You're getting me in trouble, here."

Rhodes rolled his eyes at Tony on his way out the door. "Yeah. _Steve_ is getting you in trouble."

"Didn't Bucky try to kill you once?" Peter asked. "Or, actually, like nine or ten times?"

"They were all part of the same mission," Tony said, "so I think it only counts as once. But I already told Steve he can't come to the wedding if he does it again."

"He was brainwashed at the time," Steve said. He was aware that he sounded somewhat defensive about it. "He doesn't want to kill you."

Peter and Tony both snorted at that, which wasn't making him feel any less defensive.

"Bucky's all right," Tony allowed graciously. "I'm surprised you didn't ask Sam, though."

"Does Sam hate you, too?" Peter asked, far too eagerly, in Steve's opinion.

"Nah," Tony said. "Sam starts twitching if I touch Steve where he can see, but that's more of a "Captain America doesn't have sex" twitch than anything else. I don't think he has any real opinion about me at all. Most of Cap's friends go kind of cross-eyed when they see me, like they aren't sure what to think."

"Most of your friends threaten my life," Steve pointed out. "Rhodey threatened to make me disappear if I didn't treat you right. He said he didn't care if I was Captain Puppies and Orphaned Babies, he'd drag me into the dessert and leave me there. Pepper once described exactly what she'd do to me if I hurt you. She was holding one of those spiky shoes with metal, pointy heels at the time."

"Oh, the five-inch stiletto Louboutins?" Tony rolled his eyes at Steve. "Please. You're hardly the first man whose balls Pepper has threatened to crush with those shoes."

"Can I put that in the article?" Peter asked.

"No," Steve and Tony chorused.

"You guys suck," Peter repeated an earlier sentiment. He braced his chin on his hands and stared at the wall over Tony's shoulder. "I can't publish any of this. No one would believe Captain America talking about threesomes and having a brainwashed assassin for a best man. Tony, sure, but not Captain America. Maybe it's time I gave up the reporting thing. I could teach. I have a science degree I only ever get to use when we fight super-villains. I'd be a good teacher. I like kids."

"You are a kid," Tony objected. "And what would you do the first time a super-villain attacked while you were in class? Leave the kids unsupervised? Bring them along and call it a field trip?"

"I'd be the most popular teacher ever," Peter said.

* * *

 **Excerpt from Peter Parker's audio recordings, extraneous material:**

 **Steve:** Peter, if the word "threesome" is so much as hinted at in this article, I will be very disappointed.

* * *

"Gentlemen," Jarvis interrupted Peter's efforts to justify going back to school for an education degree. "I hesitate to disturb your conversation," – the look on his face said he was definitely lying and Steve could feel himself blushing again because this man was basically Tony's _father_ -figure and oh, god how much of this had he heard? – "but Ms. Potts asked me to remind you that your press conference is scheduled for four-thirty sharp."

Peter made a strangled sound. "So much for my exclusive. I men, I _could_ give Jonah an article about Cap being a sex fiend and Tony being a man-whore. He'd totally print it. My journalistic integrity would be ruined, but I'm pretty sure I don't have any anyway, so-"

"Peter," Tony said patiently. "It's a fluff piece. Write some fluff, get paid. Maybe throw in a photo if you're feeling ambitious."

Steve thanked Jarvis for the reminder, and nudged Tony to his feet. "We have a few hours before the conference still. It's more than enough time for you to write an article – a very good article, I'm sure," he added, shooting Tony a scolding look. "You're a good writer, Peter."

"I could teach science," Peter said. "Like, high school level science. I'd let them do experiments and I wouldn't perpetuate any of those ridiculous wives' tales like deoxygenated blood being blue or blue-eyed people only having blue-eyed kids or that stupid tongue map. And when I collected my paycheck every week there'd be a real sense of satisfaction that I was helping people and not just selling out my own reputation to a money-grubbing asshole who would fire me the instant he found out my secret identity."

"Write the article first," Tony advised him. "You need money."

"Yeah," Peter said. "Because Jonah's such a generous boss."

"You're freelance, right?" Tony said. "Threaten to sell it to someone else. The tabloids would pay a fortune – especially if you mention that Steve has a sex life. They'd pay whatever you wanted. And Jonah _knows_ it."

"And turn the article into a story about how I'm an abusive brute and you're a drunken slut," Steve pointed out.

"Jonah doesn't know Peter wouldn't do it. He owes you one good payday, Pete. Grab him by the balls and twist a little."

"Thanks," Peter said. "Now I feel like I should wash my hands."

* * *

 **Excerpt from Peter Parker's audio recordings, extraneous material:**

 **Peter:** Any plans for the honeymoon?  
 **Tony:** Nothing I can repeat in a respectable publication.  
 **Peter:** You do remember I write for the _Bugle_ , right? It's halfway between the _New York Post_ and the _Superhuman Star_ and I don't mean any part of that sentence in a good way.  
 **Steve:** These unrepeatable plans – do they feature the Little French Farm Boy, by any chance?  
 **Tony:** I was thinking more along the lines of handcuffs and a vibrating-  
 **Peter and Steve:** _Tony._  
 **Tony:** But, hey, if you want little Antoine to make an appearance, I'm up for that.  
 **Peter:** No threesomes?  
 **Tony:** That seems tacky on a honeymoon. I'm sure Spider-Man will understand.  
 **Steve:** *muffled laughter*  
 **Peter:** You guys are aware that if I weren't such a good friend, I'd keep all this stuff you're saying just to screw with me and publish it as a tell-all? It would sell a million copies.  
 **Tony:** Only a million? Harry Potter sold four hundred and fifty times that.  
 **Peter:** Yeah, but neither of you is as cute as Emma Watson.  
 **Tony:** No, but we're both a lot kinkier.

* * *

 **Excerpt from the dedication page of _SuperGay: The Untold Stories of the World's Most Powerful Couple_ by Peter Parker, coming next December from Random House:**

In memory of my uncle and father-figure, Ben Parker, who taught by example everything a kid needed to know about being a good man. I hope every day that I can make him proud.

I'd like to thank my aunt, May Parker, for a lifetime of love and support and for never once pointing out that she paid for years of AP classes and college just so I could take my chemistry degree and become an unemployed photographer. I love you, Aunt May.

And Mary-Jane Watson, the best friend, wife and partner in the world. Thanks for not dumping me for my gorgeous, billionaire boss, although I do have to question your judgment. Even I was tempted to hit that.

And many, many thanks to Steve Rogers and Tony Stark, for saving the world countless times, for sacrificing your own safety and comfort to ensure that others don't have to do the same, for being two of the best and most trustworthy friends any man could have – and extra thanks for not suing the pants off me when you read the first draft of this book.

* * *

Peter was gathering up his notebook and recorder and Tony and Steve were about to leave to dress for the conference when the alarm went off.

Tony fished his communicator out of his pocket. "Talk to me."

Clint's voice answered, sounding oddly muffled, more likely due to being extremely hung-over than because of a problem with the communicator itself. "Okay, one: Apparently Thor and Rhodes are arm-wrestling over who gets to be your best man. I want you to know I'm damned grateful not to have even been considered."

Tony blinked at the communicator. "How is that even a fair match?"

"Well, Thor's hungover and Rhodes is in the War Machine armor. I can't tell who's winning. Also, Doombots are attacking downtown. Reed and Sue are on-site but there's too many for them to handle by themselves. So we're back on duty."

"Tell them we're on our way." Tony snapped his communicator shut and shot Steve a rueful look. "Pepper's going to kill us for canceling the press conference."

"Probably," Steve acknowledged. "But Doombots can't be ignored."

"Our entire engagement is going to be like this, you realize. Probably the wedding, too. And then more or less the rest of our lives together."

"Probably, yeah."

Tony's eyes crinkled in a grin. "Still think it's worth all the hassle?"

Steve cupped the side of Tony's face in one hand, aware of Jarvis and Peter just a few feet away. "Yes, Tony," he said seriously. "I still think you're worth it."

* * *

 **Excerpt from Wedding of the Century, by Peter Parker, appearing in the June 26th issue of the Daily Bugle:**

 **Peter:** So, Cap. What would you have done differently if the law hadn't passed?  
 **Steve:** That's a hard question to answer, because nothing important would be different. I'm happy it did, and I'm glad we – and every other couple in New York who wants to take this step in their lives – have this opportunity. If the law hadn't passed, I don't know if I would have eventually proposed. But regardless of rings and marriage licenses, I'd have spent the rest of my life with him no matter what.  
 **Peter:** I think Tony's getting a little misty-eyed over there.


End file.
